I currently have zero routine in my life. This is not good. This is causing havoc and is brilliant at stirring up my mind.
Routine makes or breaks me.
I recently finished my contract with work, and I am struggling to find anything before Christmas. This means it is highly unlikely I will start work again until the end of January. So, no routine, limited social interactions and no mental challenge. It is a bit of a vicious cycle and struggle to try to maintain/stabilise my bipolar.
Currently I’m feeling stressed, probably more than I’d like to admit. I’m avoiding contact with friends I know care, simply as I already feel like a failure and self-conscious. I am eating more than usual, and my hands are constantly clammy. I can sit in the shower and do nothing but feel nauseous.
People ask me if I’m ok, which I’m grateful they care. However, I struggle to take that question well. Personally, I see red as soon as I’m asked, and it is the fastest way to shut me down and build a brick wall. All it does is leave me self-conscious and embarrassed. The last thing I ever want is for people to think I’m not ok. I’m not sure if anyone else that suffers from mental health, or in general experience this same reaction.
A couple of things that work well for me when I’m in a state are super simple.
Take me for a drive. Just don’t let me drive. I actually find this the most relaxing and easiest thing to firstly calm me down, and then for me to talk. Just don’t make the mistake of trying to talk first. Think of me as a child. I am happy to stare out the window and be distracted, enough to find myself talking.
Don’t ask me direct questions. Especially around topics that would clearly be sore points. Example – I’d probably feel like slapping you if you asked me how my job hunt is going. Lead into questions in a real conversation, otherwise it is too confronting. Talking needs to be on my terms.
At this very minute, I have so little self-worth. I haven’t been going to the gym and I can’t walk my bear properly as the weather has been horrible. I am talking during my sleep and my desk is messy.
I keep forgetting to take my medication until it’s bed time and I fight with my partner if I need it or not. When really, I know he is right.
He keeps reminding me of the benefits of routine.
I keep getting angry because I know he is right.
So, I guess it’s time to put that alarm on and start getting up at the same time each day… one step at a time.